Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
