I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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