We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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