im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Even my vagina gasped.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
