Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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