Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
