Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
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You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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