I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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