You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.