If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches