he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.