If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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