so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.