Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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