I just saw a hot homeless man
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He is an equal opportunity slut.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
