I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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