Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think my nap took me to another dimension
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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