Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
