my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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