The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
