My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
