I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
