I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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