Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
