peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
