remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
