So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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