i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
