She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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