This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
