He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
