im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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