It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
