A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
