I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
