I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He shit in the fireplace
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
