do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So. Much. Porn.
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