At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
