just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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