Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
