i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program