awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.