so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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