my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's just like the Real World with babies
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
