I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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