So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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