I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
