He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
