I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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