Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
