when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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