Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
