Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just google imaged poop.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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