great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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