I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
