I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize