i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
