I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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