I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
