you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
